However, there is something out there far, far worse than any of these, and I am here to warn you about them today. You need to know about these, familiarize yourself with them, memorize their every feature, so that if you ever encounter them, you will will know exactly what to do to prevent an attack, or survive one should you happen to be that unlucky.
PLEASE STUDY THIS PICTURE CAREFULLY:
These creatures are known to scientists as "tigshooicus mauliculum"s, or as they are more commonly known, "Tigger's Maulers". These creatures are vicious, dangerous and completely lethal, so you'll need to learn how to avoid them at all cost. Should you be one of the unfortunate few to encounter them face-to-face, there is no sure way to avoid injury or possibly becoming their supper, but hopefully we can help you get out of this deadly situation with a few tips and known facts.
First, know the dangers. Their teeth are razor sharp, and their jaws whip around like they are made out of rubber. They can slice and dice faster and better that all of Ron Popeil's infomercial inventions combined. Avoid the teeth!!! Also, their tails contain a paralyzing venom that stops you in your tracks so that they can either devour you, or inject their offspring into your shoes, who overnight will consume your docile, normal shoes and take their place without you knowing it. Fortunately, these offspring will not harm you, as they will depend on you from then on for their mobility. But this is how they spread, so please be careful! Their appendages, or "shoelaces", are lightning-fast, and while not venomous or sharp, they will drag you to one of those ends or the other. And avoid the tongues. Why? Trust me. You don't want to know, and if you ever have the misfortune of finding out, its already too late anyway.
So what do you need to do to avoid and/or escape these nightmarish monsters? Here's what we know:
1. Fortunately, their biggest weakness is their smell. They make the scent of skunk seem like a walk through a cool spring meadow in full bloom. If you smell something that those few survivors have described as "diarrhea from the creature from the black lagoon on a hot summer night after the chili cook-off spectacular", its time to leave the area as quickly as possible. Just cover your nose and mouth with whatever you can, and run. Get back to your car, place a pine tree air freshner in each nostril and drive. It won't matter what direction, just drive.
2. NEVER look them in the eyes. If you end up being in close proximity, avoid any eye contact at all. This just makes you real to them.
3. If you see an orange and black striped woman walking through the forest, followed by an umbrella, this is an early warning sign as well. Its time to head in a different direction.
4. Play heavy metal music. This causes them to grind their own teeth, which is the only way to kill them.
5. If all else fails, try to cut off the tongue. By then, it means it is too late for you, but at least this will save others from suffering the same fate.
Good luck, boxers, and heed this warning well. Stay safe, be prepared, and remember - NEVER look them in the eyes!
Final Note: Scientists are working on a repellent, but so far there has been no success. This has been a public safety announcement, with only your best interest at heart. And don't worry about tigs. She knew this day was coming. ;)